Because He has Freed Me from My Chains

"You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD."

~Psalm 116:16-17

... and in this offering of thanks, more chains are loosed...

#573-#595

* blue sky dotted with clouds, a slow but ever changing picture of beauty and glory and Artistic Nature

* hot pink crete myrtle in full bloom

* hole in the ceiling-patched, textured and painted!

* the smell of baking banana bread filling the house

* warm buttered slices and cold milk

*Tom Sawyer-like little girl joy, daddy letting them take turns holding the hose to water the front lawn

* Selah in full soccer-wear, face flushed and curls flying rogue... excitement in anticipation of her first soccer season

* husband coaching daughter in patience and tenderness

* God-directed conversations

* there is nowhere we can flee from His presence

* crayon graffiti on walls, beds, doors, toys... toddler full of mischief, energy, joy

* God lessons through children

* the sky-view coming over the bridge

* the way Alexa says rhinoceros: "nosh-eous"

* hard family conversations, shared hearts and frustrations and prayers and laughter--unity made stronger in this safe place of Love that covers all our multitude of sins

* the blessing of being his wife, the mother of his children, witness to his God-walk

* knowing if He wants it to happen, it will happen

* devotions with Selah

* VJ, Hunter, Victor, Chris, Vanessa, Carol, Josh, Carmon, Whitney, Dewtang and so many other "big people" that joyfully invest in the "little people", making a measureless mark of love and confidence in their lives--my children blessed to be among the many benefactors

* we can always come back to Him

* falling asleep in snuggle-hugging arms

* all four(five, actually) of us wrapped up on the twin bed, softly breathing prayers and last I love yous of the day

* Wonderful Savior... be blessed, be loved, be lifted high... be treasured here, be glorified... knees to earth I bow down to everything You are...

Why He Persists with Process

***If you would like a little context leading up to this conversation with God, the first post in this series is: Bent to Want Something Different, and the second is this: The Bait and The Hook***

And it has come to this.

These questions He has answered on different levels for me before, and experience has proven His promises true, His reasoning loving. But somehow, in seeing all the hard things in loved ones lives that pile up on every side and so many who are weary and burdened, searching and hurting...

... I have asked Him again: why does He allow... orchestrate... design... for each of us these painful processes and life circumstances we all experience?

Now He answers... right to the point... and I just try to keep up.

Sometimes God doesn't just speak a single word or a sentence, but many humbling, comforting, directing ones.

The pen flies, scratching out in black on white His unchanging love for us all, The Word, living and active.

"I am a God of order and of peace.

The process itself produces the result you so deeply desire, what you continually ask Me to develop in you.

I want you to learn to consider it pure joy whenever you face these trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I have given you everything you need for life and godliness through your knowledge of Me, I called you to Me by My glory and goodness. And through these I have given you My very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in My divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

I know you dearly want both of these things. So it is for this very reason that I want you to make every effort to be willing to go through the process and add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. Because if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of Me. If you do not have these qualities, you will be nearsighted and blind, and that will be evidence that you have forgotten that I have cleansed you from your past sins.

Now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when I am revealed.

You can rejoice in your sufferings, because it is suffering that produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Suffering produces... hope. It does not crush it.

I know this will be hard for you to understand, because of all you see. But these troubles are achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. Remember that what is seen is temporary. What is unseen is eternal.

I was rebuked for this process to my face, when I walked the earth you walk. It was not understood then, either. I spoke plainly that I must suffer many things, be rejected, be killed, and rise again. You are tempted to rebuke me when you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.

If you want to come after me, you must deny yourself, and take up your cross and follow me.

For if you want to save your life you will lose it, but if you lose your life for me and for the gospel I will save it. What good is it for you to gain the whole world, yet forfeit your soul?

Remember that if you have not Love... if you have not patience... a love that suffers long... you gain nothing.

The more you truly love someone, the more you are affected by what affects them. In knowing Me there is the fellowship of sharing in My suffering.

And it has been granted you to not only believe on Me, but also to suffer for Me.

Truly, blessed are you when you are persecuted because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven."

Oh Love that will not let me go...

The Bait and The Hook

***missed the beginning of this series? Click here to read a little on how we are all Bent to Want Something Different***

I still to listen as the Counselor guides me through it, pulling straight and clear a single line. The tangled mess of thoughts, feelings, and situations tries to strangle it out, but He whispers calm through the roar, this realization of the root of recurring frustration in my life.

I am bent to want something different. I am regularly dissatisfied with myself, others, life situations... and find myself lacking joy, thankfulness, and peace.

I squirm. I feel childish. But it's true. He's known it all along and now I know it too.

He encourages me, as He so often has, to be specific about my struggles.

I uncover it before Him, the One who knows what's in my heart of hearts, but it's in the turning up and releasing the tight gripped fingers that I can see it a little, too. I wish... I was more patient with Selah, more holy and set apart for You instead of so easily distracted by daily life... I wish... my husband would be more consistent in this way... I wish... Selah would obey what she knows to obey instead of my having to repeat the same thing countless times... I wish... Alexa would stop doing things she knows she shouldn't do before she sees me coming to make her stop... I wish... loved ones would stop hurting themselves... I wish... loved ones would stop hurting other loved ones both intentionally and unintentionally... I wish... my loved one wouldn't be afraid to trust their heart fully to You, to follow You... I wish...

He lets me go on. I do.

I reach a stopping point because I'm too disheartened to say anymore. He wraps His understanding arms around all the hopes and disappointments and frustrations swelling in me. The sweet fragrance of His presence lifting the chin of all that's quivering, even before He speaks the words:

I desire those things, too.

And as soon as He says it, I remember that I know this to be true. And I'm comforted by sharing a likeness with Him, when I've felt so utterly unlike Him. The Spirit reminds me of the scriptures I know that confirm this... this God-likeness to desire change for the better. For all our best which is to become more like Him.

"When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God... You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness... to enable us to serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all our days... Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."

So... it's not my root desires that are the sin... where does that come in? How and when does this godly desire get twisted into something that dishonors You?

He lets my Dad's words ring long in my mind, and I know they are true from having once been a practiced liar as an inseparable part of every aspect of my lifestyle. "The most believable lies have an element of truth, are wrapped in truth, so you bite into the hook before you're aware that it's there."

I want to stop taking the bait with the waiting hook that snares me into dissatisfaction, into grumbling, into frustration that leads to impatience that leads to unkindness and pride and judgement of a speck when I can't see for the plank in the way. And there it is, always dangling before me, now seen for what it is.

Our very real enemy, who is seeking to devour me and use me to crush and discourage as many as possible through me, has been baiting me with the God-like desire for myself and others to be more like Him.

I have been writhing in pain from having swallowed part-truths left half-formed in my mind, knowing something has been off but not taking the time to separate it all out and pinpoint the problem.

And I remember now that the father of lies even whispers scripture twisted as he did with Eve in the garden, and with Jesus in the desert... and this is the piercing angle that has been set before me...

am I not a stranger on this earth, whose citizenship is in heaven? It's fine to want to get away from all this madness. It is right that I am frustrated when the children don't obey me, the LORD says they should, and that my husband should not be harsh with me, but should sacrifice for me, and even my best righteousness is nothing but filthy rags, I can do nothing apart from Him, and it's so hard to remain in Him...

I have bitten down hard and the hook sets deep. The agony is fierce, thrashing.

But the Physician who holds me here, painfully aware, won't loosen His grip 'til He's released me. He understands being tempted. He understands suffering. He offers the way out...

"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess."

~Hebrews 3:1

The God-given desire for all that is wrong to become right curves sharply into sin when I fix my thoughts on myself, no longer on the One who faced every temptation that is common, tempted in every way just as I am, and yet was without sin... and overcame the whole world, having disarmed all the powers and authorities, and made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. Self-focus hooks and begins tearing all that was whole and healthy inside and painfully debilitates God-focus.

The Healing One, who knows wounds so well, breathes the soothing prescription over all that's jagged, gaping.

"Fix your eyes on Me, I am the author and the perfecter of your faith"

and again...

"set your heart on things above, set your mind on things above, not on earthly things... For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Christ is your life."

~from Colossians 3

My heart-nods. This, this I know. "You are. You are my life. The Only Life I've ever known..."

And I ask it like the child I am, knowing the Father wants me to ask Him questions, loves to share His heart with me. How many times has He said "ask... ask... ask!"?

I begin tentatively "... but I wonder, God, why do I struggle to get out of the process You are continually allowing, orchestrating for me to go through?..."

I can barely whisper the throbbing heart of it "... why... why, when You know intimately how painful and difficult it is, do You allow... orchestrate... design... the process to continue?...

... I know Your ways and thoughts are not like mine, so much higher, but please... help me to learn a little of why cooperating with You through all this is worth it..."

***next post: Why God Values the Process so Highly***

Bent to Want Something Different

***These next few posts will be a series of thoughts the Father has been walking this weary, stumbling, questioning child through lately... I pray you hear His heart for you during your experiences too...***

The children finally down for their naps, I slip outside the room of peaceful breathing, relaxed faces, quietly pulling the door to. I gingerly release the cool stainless knob and finally let my burdened shoulders drop and breathe out the long-held sigh so sad and deep. I don't know how long the quiet will last... everything in life seeming so unpredictable lately. And I need the quiet. Much longer, I feel, than what will be granted to me. I feel more than a little wild inside... all the howling thoughts and pain and responsibilities and lists louder than I know how to pray through.

So I don't.

I descend with heavy steps down soft carpeted stairs clutching the railing through all the reeling and try to stir myself to read what I know I've been needing all morning... but I'm so heart-tired I just don't think I can make myself focus on His written Love-Word for even a moment. If I crack open His love letter maybe the flood of questioning tears that I just don't have the time or energy to process will spill out and drown the last of my resolve to make it through this day.

So I leave it sealed.

I could spin around and only dizzy myself on where to start with the daunting task of piling chores, so I slump into the soft black of the rolling faux leather desk chair and turn a little. I click a window open, type a few letters, end up in my inbox, not expecting anything much.

But there it is.

A short laugh makes it past my tight drawn lips, I shake my head at the non-coincidence of it all, hesitate for a moment, then click on the link to open her blog post entitled "when you're finding it hard to be patient".

I have been. For a lot of reasons.

I have had so many opportunities to practice patience lately that even my exhausted spirit has been able to place the puzzle pieces together and verbalize to several loved ones that this seems to been the key lesson for this season of my life.

Love is... patient. And if I have not love... I gain nothing. I am nothing. Only a resounding gong, a clanging symbol adding to the madding crashing and clashing around me.

As I read Ann's Life-words my eyes brim and threaten to blur and I feel that building ache tighten in my throat.

"And it strikes me, an epiphany over the fry of bubbling pancakes, “Love is only patient if it’s first grateful for what is.”

When I am not patient? My failure to love is first a failure to be grateful for who people are right now.

And my impatience is a result of my unthankfulness – I’m impatient for the children to be someone different, for the cashier to hurry up, for this to get done right now."

This is it. The starting point to all my recent God-questions and Spirit searching.

I find a strong hold and grab the fleeing clear thought and pull up firmly onto the mental carousel that's long been rushing past. I hold on tight through my child-tears as it all spins around and up and down. I don't let go of here, and lean into His Spirit arms that have in perfect control this ride I'm on.

Is that the heart of this ugly, joy-stealing thing in me, God? Am I bent to always want something different? To hurry up the process? For this to get done right now?

I feel Him pull me close and whisper long and unexpected the answers to every question I've been pouring before Him over the last weeks. And the rush slows and stops. And Peace speaks. And there is more than enough time.

***Next post will be touching on these things: How being bent to want things different is a good-thing, a God-thing... until we bite into the lies that twist the God-desire into something utterly other than what He has meant for us to feel, to desire, to live out. Recognizing and exposing this lie.***

Here again this week, by the grace of God and for His glory, counting the ways He loves...

#561-572

birthday time with a godly friend

pore-less smooth of child-faces

seeing her confidence that isn't shaken, even in soul-grieving

cool streaks of rain through the steamy July sky

music by David Nevue-specifically-The Gift, Overcome, While the Trees Sleep, The Kindness of Strangers, The Gathering Fields

listening to all her big-girl dreams blooming into a fearless flowering field, as wide and beautiful as the mind can see

the first baby tooth lost, her bursting joy in this step towards womanhood

Dad

knowing, knowing the One who holds all their lovely... so dearly loved... aching hearts

I lie down and sleep, I wake again, because the LORD sustains me

sun-rosy noses, shoulders, smiles wide and bright as excited eyes tell every detail of the gloriously long daddy-daughter day at the zoo

family... best friends... all safely home

Bottom of the Bottle -A Jesus Story Box Story

I blurred back into consciousness to find I still couldn't hold my baby. My arms too alcohol heavy, my body too dizzy with drink.

I couldn't bear to be around her crying, her wanting me to be able to comfort her, to hold her in strong, soothing arms. What real Comfort could extend to her? What strong arms? All I knew were spirits that filled me first a fun fuzzy distracted, then achingly lonely and empty and dark and weak.

I stumbled outside to throw up, dropped to my hands and knees in the front yard grass, sick in body and soul over my self induced, helpless state. I covered my face with clammy hands, shame streaming liquid hot down my dulled exterior.

The deepest heaving welled up, I couldn't contain the cry of my own infant heart and screamed it over and over, into the face of the Father God that felt so far away in the isolating dark.

"God PLEASE don't let her suffer for my mistakes... PLEASE don't let me stay like this... PLEASE don't let her turn out like me... Oh, God, PLEASE..."

And as I screamed into the dark my younger brother told me to quiet, that I was drunk and would wake people up. It was he who had carried me in from the car I had come home in, the one that didn't even make to the driveway, but only onto the street. He had followed me outside. It was he who I had felt so harshly judged by all my growing up years, he who didn't now know if he believed in God... it was he who sat witness to my deep sickness and my expulsion of it. I needed to be rid of my sickness so desperately that I did not care. Where is pride in the dark of hell?

My response was more scream-prayer interrupted only by my retching in my wretchedness. I was as drunk as I had ever been, but I knew what I was praying. I knew I was talking directly to the God who made the grass I knelt in, the night I wept in, the child who I couldn't care for that was given to me to raise in knowledge and truth of Him.

And I was wild for the arms of this Father of compassion, this unknown God of all comfort, Who I was told loved me even more than I despised myself.

And He stooped down.

And He spoke The Light into the blackest heart of my fears, and gave me Peace.

"I have heard you. Don't be afraid, I have answered your prayer."

And He did.

He has.

He does.

"I sought the LORD, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles."

~Psalm 34:4-6

What response can there be to such patient Love poured out? A Love that fills with Spirit to overflow joy and peace and self-control?

"I will extol the LORD at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the LORD;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me;

let us exalt his name together...

Taste and see that the LORD is good!"

~Psalm 34:1-3,8

And that witnessing brother now loves the LORD our God, and I count him among my best friends. He confirms in soberness that he felt the sustained presence of God in a tangible way that night, all during my drunken prayer.

What manner of Love is this?

counting His graces with thanks today, because I feel strongly that if I keep quiet, even the stones would cry out...

#546-560

two whole days at home--in a row!

tiny clothing in soft and bright colors

hard working husband taking a sabbath

how easily children become "best friends" with other children

nightly family prayer

noticing lots of movement from the 21 week old in my womb

glue sticks and scrapbook paper and free printables

letter from sponsored child

girl-made birthday card

He. Is. Rest.

these bands 'round the fourth finger of my left hand, the man that put them there

sharing in His pain

songs with the exact words I am bursting to express to Him

clean surfaces

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

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A Beautiful Reason to Celebrate

Psalm 21:2

You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Selah:

Psalm 21:4

He asked You for life, and You gave it to him...

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."

1 Corinthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him..."

Jeremiah 31:3

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness..."

Isaiah 43:1

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."